Edi nag-iisip ako kung sino ba ang hindi ko mapatawad sa puso at isipan ko. At siya agad ang naisip ko. Ang girlfriend ng second eldest brother ko. Si Antoinette (privacy lang, not real name). Okay dati tawag ko sa kanya Ate, pero nawala yun.
Try ko paiikliin toh (try lang naman), dahil ngayon hindi na talaga to issue pa sa buhay ko at ayuko na palakihin pa kung ano man to. At hopefully pagkatapos nito ang kailangan ko na lang gawin ay manahimik at iwan ito sa nakaraan.
Antoinette,
I was not ready to understand you and your flaws that time because I'm too decent to do that (decent and innocent). I lost my respect for you because you showed yourself unworthy of it. I lost my respect for you when my brother always attempt (only attempts) to hurt me as a hero for you. I mean, are you even happy that I have conflicts with my kuya? Kase, someway or another I found my brother more disgust of me than ever.
I would rather not explain it in details kung paano ba lumaki yung hatred ko DATI sayo. If there is one thing I had learned in "forgive and forget" issues, it is to never recite again and again in your head the faults of your enemies. Kase ganyan ako dati, minsan bago pa nga ko matulog, try ko talaga practice kung anong sasabihin ko sa kaaway ko if ever magkatagpo kame sa gera. (But if you insist to know, tanungin mo lang sa kin).
So, last Christmas, I was a jolly person and the christmas feels so good to me, know why? Because I MADE PEACE TO YOU, and that gave myself, too, a peace of mind. Meaning that lightens the burdens of my life, because that means I could greet you na, I could be polite whenever you're around or I could say, "tara kaen!". I could even sit or stand inches next to you.
But I think, you didn't quite get it kung paano nga ba ako nakipag-peace sayo (nagkakamot kang ulo kakaisip, kailan naman kaya yun?) That was the freaking GIFT. Remember I gave you a gift and you gave me something in return (the t-shirt na stripes na hindi ko na alam san napunta). At nung time na yun, gumaan na ang pag-hinga ko.
But few weeks later, after nung christening ni Jayden (the son of my eldest brother), whoops, nakatapak ulit ako ng balat ng saging.
It was about the damn printer, because I was so outrage with kuya (your bf) nun dahil sa printer! Dahil wala ang printer sa bahay at nasa 'yo at sobrang urgent na i-send yung file na bla bla bla kay mama. Pero after nun akala ko naman, wala lang, nagalit lang ako then move on na. Huwoow! may kasunod pa, pag kauwi ko sa bahay, kuya was not even talking to me as if I'm some shit. And then I didn't ask for any explanation. Sa isip ko lang, "dahil sa printer?"
At dahil sa printer na yun, some other day, may nalaman ako, ikaw, you send some messages stating some shit, stating how awful I am to you, how I'm so unrespectful to my kuya and some other things I should not waste to tackle about. Some things that had rotten already from history, some things I was still trying to forget.
You know why I hate this part? Because FYI kinalimutan ko na lahat ng kabadtripan ko nung araw na binigyan kita ng regalo. Kinalimutan ko na kailangan ko magalit sa isang tulad mo. And then for a glimpse, nalaman ko, wow di ka pa pala naka-move on. At ikaw pa may karapatan magsalita, ikaw pa may karapatan hindi maka-move on? How dare you upbraided me when the flaws are yours? Okay lang sana kung tungkol sa printer yun, pero hindi matindi pa sa history ni magellan.
*hinga* (init ko, at ang umiinit ng blog ko)
O sige di ka maka-move on, i-tackle natin konti. Kung feeling mo ang dami ko nagawa sayo DATI, I won't do it for no reasons, I got my senses here. Sige mag self-pity ka, but have you ever ask yourself bakit ba ako naging ganun sayo? Demanding spoiled brat? I didn't forgot those words from you, and I'm pretty sure your talking about me. Kawawa naman?
Well, ang masasabi ko lang sa huli, instead na ikaw yung maging bridge namin ni kuya para maging close kame, you made the gap. Hindi ako kinausap ni kuya, for almost 3 or 4 months (at dahil sa printer?), thanks to you. Pero hindi ko na pinatulan pa kase parang ang immature na ng dating, simula nun never ko dinefend ang sarili ko sa inyo, because every words from that incident were trying to die on my mind. Bulok na.
What I'm most thankful now? Bumabalik na relationship namin ni kuya. Buti na lang bumalik without even tackling the issue. At dahil dun, feeling ko ready ko na i-let go lahat ng nararamdaman kong hindi maganda tungkol dito.
I know, feeling ko maybe hindi ka pa ready or gusto mo i-defend sarili mo. You are free to do so. Mag-personal message ka lang or whatsoever. Kung gusto mo lang.
But as for me, I'm ready to move on and forgive whatever that has happen between us. I think it's the mature thing to do. I want this to be a burden no more. Sorry kung kailangan ko maging salbahe for the past years, at sorry sa pagiging rude ko kay kuya.
I hope this letter would not make everything worst, hindi ko ito sinulat para siraan ka, at kung may misunderstanding pa na mabuo out of this, it's beyond my desire. The only thing I could wish more is that this letter (ay hindi mo mabasa - joke) could fix our burdens and could make us realize na hindi na tayo bata para pahabain pa toh.
I'm sorry sa lahat and let's move on. I can forgive you now and start my journey to forget. Hope you could do so.
